Screaming into the Ether

New calendar!

2011-11-27T12:32:00.001-05:00

I don't know why I find it so exciting to get a new calendar. Maybe it's the promise of a new year? Or maybe it's just a new toy? In any case, this year (since I didn't win the Hungarian or Russian versions of the Quo Vadis calendars,) I finally bought an Executive with a Soya cover, which is the format I have been wanting for years.

I had considered refilling my Equology Minister for another go around - I like the recycled paper - but the cover was getting a little worse for wear. You can see the fraying on the edges, and the pockets were coming undone.

Here is the Executive and the Equology Minister side by side. You can see the Executive is quite petite in comparison.

The Executive came with an elastic book mark to hold one's place and to keep things tucked inside - something I do a lot in this age of Groupons, etc.

It also has the removable address book, as does the Minister.

There is little to no show-through and it takes fountain pen ink well, as expected. That's Noodler's Ottoman Rose reminding me to give blood. (There are appointments scheduled on the previous page,but they do not show through.) As mentioned in previous reviews, the non-recycled paper is brighter and smoother than the recycled. I have no preference, though if there were a recycled option for refills, I would buy it.

I always suspected that this style of diary would be the one I preferred; I'm happy to finally get it.

Correspondence filing day.

2011-09-09T13:24:00.001-04:00

I don't know why I can't bear to ever throw out a letter, but it's getting to be a bit much. :-)
(All written with fountain pens, from Fountain Pen Network members.)

Naturally as soon as I closed up the boxes and put them away, I found another stack of letters. Next time...

Classic xkcd...

2011-09-06T16:00:00.000-04:00

Ft. Totten

2011-07-17T16:19:00.002-04:00

Almost 40 years in Queens and I'd never been to Fort Totten.

It's like a functional Governor's Island, without the hipsters. One of the ladies from the historical society (in Victorian garb, if you notice.) gave me a tour of the castle and a great big hug (even though I was all sweaty from biking.)

On the way out, there's a nice jetty. I have to buy some fishing equipment.

Election Day 2009 - Independence Day 2011

2011-07-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

Habana review

2010-08-25T13:06:00.005-04:00

This review is long overdue. I've been using this notebook to learn to write Cyrillic, in advance of my studying Russian this year. I've been trying to get two clean pages on which I've made no mistakes ... that's just not going to happen anytime soon. :-)

The paper is very smooth and very bright, with minimal show though. I'm partial to 90 gram paper and this does not disappoint. Inks used are J. Herbin Vert Pre, Noodler's Legal Blue and FPN Starry Night. The Noodler's does not seem to show throw any more than the J. Herbin does.

Overall it's another solid product from Quo Vadis. Thanks to Exaclair for the opportunity to try out the product.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

The New York City we live in today

2010-04-22T08:19:00.000-04:00

I was parked on W 70th. I was gone for 45 minutes before noticing I didn't have my keys.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Cute Lunch

2010-02-10T09:26:00.002-05:00

I saw this in a local store. It's a reasonably-sized lunch with fresh fruit and a nut mix as a snack. I'd have to do some calculations to figure out the calories, but it doesn't look awful (3 slices roast beef, roasted pepper, one slice cheddar, whole wheat wrap...)

If only it were $5 instead of $7...

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Minister revisited

2009-10-02T14:24:00.009-04:00

I recently received a 2010 Minister from Quo Vadis. I figured it would be a good time to re-review the old one to see how it's held up after nearly a year. (Advance apologies for the crappy cellphone photos and the messy desk.)

The Equology series is constructed from recycled material and fibers.

Because of the removable cover, this Minister is a smidgen larger than the Robert le héros version I've been using all year. But the removable cover allows you to purchase inserts rather than whole new calendars every year. Unlike the removable cover on the Space 17, this recycled cover is a softer, rubbery, more pliable material, less likely to nick dry fingers when you reach into a bag to get it. I found that to be a problem with the Space 17; the edges of the plastic cover would scratch me if I didn't make sure to put it in my bag with the bound side up.

The other major difference between the two is that the Robert le héros version does not have a detachable booklet for notes/addresses, instead it has only an elastic strap. Also the le héros version has rounded page edges and the Equology does not.

(Robert le héros version left with Waterman Patrician, Equology right with Pilot Vanishing Point. The pens are only there to prop the books open. )

The quality of the recycled paper is good. I find it has a touch more "tooth" than the non-recycled version, but that is not a complaint. The color of the paper is not bleached as white as in the non-recycled version, it is more of a duller white, with small fibers visible, however it does have some brighteners; UV inks do not show up well under black lights on this paper.

(Equology on top, Robert le héros on bottom.)

Ink flows smoothly on to the paper, with no bleeding in either version.

(Equology at left, Robert le heros at right. Ink: Noodler's Ottoman Rose)

There is not a big problem of show through with either version. The 90g paper weight handles fountain pen ink well. The recycled version seems more susceptible to pressure; what's written on the reverse left an imprint, visible under December 12, 12-2:00. If you tend to press hard when you write, you may want to take note of that.

(Equology on top, Robert le héros on bottom. Ink: Noodler's Ellis Island Blue Black)

As for the 2009 Minister, it got a lot of use - I carried it with me to work every day - and it held up well. I had no other complaints with it (other than those originally stated: I would have preferred a smaller size with the same weight of paper; the Executive probably would have been a better option for me.) But I'm fine with having a Minister for an additional year and so far I prefer the recycled paper to the regular version.

Good mail day

2009-09-22T10:31:00.002-04:00

It's a damn good thing that I'm relatively cheery today and I received a bunch of good & interesting letters, because this was the first thing I read in today's mail:

Everybody's Loved By Someone.

"Everybody's loved by someone,
Everybody knows that's true;
Some have father and mother dear,
Sister and brother too;
All the time that I remember,
Since I was a mite so small,
I seem to be the only one
That nobody loves at all."
Words by permission of Frank Dean & C...

As my coworker asked "Why would they make this a postcard?!?"

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

communication

2009-09-07T19:50:00.003-04:00

This is NOT the same ink as the last ink demonstration.

The High Line

2009-08-27T07:29:00.004-04:00

2009-08-13T12:13:00.001-04:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

communication (+ ANOTHER injury update)

2009-08-12T19:51:00.005-04:00

I'd like to say I have a good excuse for not posting - I did find out I'd broken a finger back in March (chip fracture of the joint, fourth finger) and I'm just now doing physical therapy - but that's no excuse, really. I'm just neglectful. So here's some communication (with a twist.)

No, that was not a mistake.

they weren't in Madagascar

2009-06-12T12:33:00.002-04:00

The real stars of the Central Park Zoo:

bacon frenzy

2009-05-17T19:58:00.002-04:00

I couldn't decide which bacon to have today: D'Artagnan Uncured Hickory Smoked Bacon or D'Artagnan Uncured Smoked Wild Boar Bacon.

The boar bacon ("from feral swine") are the small pieces. They're tiny, but so savory. The flavor is somewhat richer and deeper.

(No, the diet did not go well today - why do you ask?)

even in the sports I'm good at

2009-04-15T23:45:00.004-04:00

I'm enjoying using this as an injury journal, particularly since I seem to get injured on a regular basis.
Unlike softball, I've been playing volleyball for 20 years now. That still doesn't stop me from bending my fingernail backwards, halfway down, on a dig.

The discoloration depicted does not nearly convey the pain that I'm currently experiencing. (Blessedly, it was numb throughout the game.) And blood was seeping out from under the fingernail before.

We won the division playoffs; that's all that matters.

communication (+injury update)

2009-04-13T20:09:00.004-04:00

And if any of you are just here for the gore, it's almost all gone. There will be a little bit of a scar, but the pretty colors have faded to the usual dull tiredness. There are just a few sore lumps remaining under the scar.

now THAT'S a black eye!

2009-03-25T00:15:00.002-04:00

Che poverina!

not cut out for softball

2009-03-23T13:35:00.004-04:00

I haven't used this blog as an injury journal for a long time. I'm not particularly into gore, but watching myself heal (or worsen) fascinates me.

I've been trying to learn how to play softball. I've been to two scrimmages. I've gotten hit in the eye with the ball both times. On the 15th, The ball flipped off the top of my glove and hit me in the left eye. It didn't discolor, but the eyeball was sore for a few days. (I get nervous about these things because I already have 7 retinal tears in that eye ... the other eye has a repaired retinal detachment. I used to box.) On the 22nd, a ground ball popped up and smacked me in the same eye. This time I had the foresight to be wearing sunglasses, which probably saved the eye by diffusing the impact to my cheek and eyebrow. My ophthalmologist thinks I should take up rowing.

I haven't had a black eye since I was about 4. I've been taking pictures about every 8 hours, watching the colors change. I'm really lucky it wasn't worse. And I need new sunglasses.

Sunday afternoon

Sunday evening

Monday morning (Whole face was puffy!)

Monday afternoon. (Pupils still dilated from eye exam.)

rather impressive all together like that

2009-03-06T15:03:00.004-05:00

One of my correspondents inquired as to how well his wax seals make it through the mail. Rather than try to explain, I took a picture of the envelopes I'd received through the mail from him ... all of them. This is approximately 13 months of correspondence.

Even more incredible to think that he's only 1 of over 40 correspondents. (No one else's volume is comparable.)

a very full fridge

2009-03-01T17:48:00.004-05:00

I traveled last month, so hadn't bought any groceries since January. I think I may have gone a bit overboard. (That's still less crowded than it is at the height of CSA season.)

communication

2009-01-18T16:35:00.003-05:00

A two-parter!

communication

2009-01-11T18:34:00.004-05:00

communication

2009-01-04T15:06:00.002-05:00

What's cooking?

2009-01-02T17:26:00.002-05:00

After a long couple of weeks of taking pictures of people, I'm glad to get back to taking pictures of things.

And having the food I've cooked posted on my blog is really helpful in terms of getting things out of my fridge (I threw out the last of the butternut squash and the celeriac & spinach soups today; I hadn't realized they had been there for so long.)

Today's dinner is Collard Greens with Cranberry Beans, which was featured in the New York Times Dining section this fall. I've made it once with dried beans, but wasn't crazy about it. I'm trying again with fresh beans.

Other adjustments: I'm halving the recipe, but retaining the original amount of meat & garlic (with an additional 1/2 onion that had been sitting around from earlier cooking.)

I'm serving it with a wild rice blend because I'm out of Carolina. I generally use basmati, but I do have rices that are appropriate to various cuisines. (I would estimate I keep up to a dozen different varieties of rice on hand.)

I ordered some rice, peas, farro, & grits/polenta from Anson Mills. I can't wait until that gets here.

communication

2008-12-29T20:49:00.003-05:00

official theme song

2008-12-29T12:00:00.003-05:00

Years ago, I'd had the theme song discussion, and thought I'm Only Happy When it Rains might have been a contender. It's still a good song, and suits me to some extent, but I've decided, finally and officially, that my theme song is:

The Lady is a Tramp as sung by Ella Fitzgerald.
I've wined and dined on mulligan stew
and never wished for turkey
As I hitched and hiked and grifted too
from Maine to Albuquerque

Alas, I missed the Beaux Arts Ball
and what is twice as sad
I was never at a party where they
honored Noel Ca-ad (Coward)

But social circles spin too fast for me
My "hobohemia" is the place to be

I get too hungry for dinner at eight
I like the theater, but never come late
I never bother with people I hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

I don't like crap games, with barons and earls
Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That's why the lady is a tramp

I like the free, fresh wind in my hair
Life without care
I'm broke; it's "oke"
Hate California, it's cold and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp

I go to Coney; the beach is divine
I go to ballgames; the bleachers are fine
I follow Winchell and read every line
That's why the lady is a tramp

I like a prizefight that isn't a fake
I love the rowing on Central Park lake
I go to opera and stay wide awake
That's why the lady is a tramp

I like the green grass under my shoes
What can I lose? I'm flat - that's that!
I'm all alone when I lower my lamp
That's why the lady is a tramp

communication

2008-12-26T21:05:00.001-05:00

Oops, spelled négy wrong.

Quo Vadis Minister review

2008-12-26T13:11:00.006-05:00

As a follow-up to my review of the Space 17 notebook, I said I would review the Minister, which I had previously purchased to use for work appointments.

The Minister is a larger - desk-sized - appointment book. I've found that it is not too-unwieldy to carry around in my various briefcases (or saddlebags, as they may be.)

I didn't photograph the cover, but instead of black, this has a muted, floral design. It is the lighter version from the Robert le héros collection. It has an elastic band attached to the back cover, but I haven't used it yet.

To address the complaints I had about the Space 17, the paper is much thicker (as previously noted) and white, opposed to ecru. Show-through is minimal, and inobtrusive.

Removal of the page tabs does not interfere with printed information.

There isn't any room for address information, but there is a section for tracking receipts and business expenditures.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I'm using the Space 17 to keep track of my correspondence (and daily weight tracking.) But, as you can see from the attached images, my daily appointments are in the Minister.

If they could somehow fuse the two: make the Minister a little smaller with a removable address section, I'd be happy.

(I note that there is a smaller calendar with the Minister format - the Business, but it also has thinner paper. Also, it seems most refillable versions of the calendars have detachable address books, but this Robert le héros version does not. However, the Executive is smaller and retains the 90g paper; perhaps I will try a refillable Executive for next year.)

x-mas haul

2008-12-25T13:45:00.003-05:00

I do believe my friend is suggesting my taste in music is somewhat dated. Something about my playlist's not having any music from the past decade .... (not true; I have The Offspring's last album!) She sent me a bunch of cds, annotated with her opinions.

That's okay - that's why we complement each other. I suggest that perhaps she's beyond the age of Hello Kitty underwear, she suggests it may be time for me to move beyond The Dead Milkmen and Animotion.

communication

2008-12-16T21:27:00.001-05:00

you're s'posed to shop for OTHER people!

2008-12-07T10:14:00.009-05:00

I did my holiday shopping on Friday. It was exhausting and re-aggravated my tendinitis. But at least I'm (almost) done.

One of my first stops, however, was to the Le Creuset outlet for stuff for me! I really do have almost all the pots I would ever need, but the gaps in my collection are: something in the 5 quart range, the 2.25 quart saucier, and any of their frying pans. (I have a hard time justifying the purchase of a Le Creuset frying pan, when I have plenty of perfectly serviceable, well-seasoned, plain cast-iron frying pans.)

As you can see, I've been making a lot of soups over the past few weekends, and using the 3.5 quart oval was really pushing it. Some of the recipes just fit. (By the way, the book that has inspired me to make two soups every weekend is The Ultimate Soup Bible. I got it on clearance at Barnes & Nobles.) So it was time to get a 5 quart. I could decide if I wanted the 4.25 quart soup pot, the 5.5 quart round, the 5 quart oval, or the 5 quart risotto pot ... decisions, decisions ... but when I got there, all was made clear; they had a new color!

To me, there seem to be two kinds of Le Creuset people: those who will buy any piece in any color, and those who religiously limit their colors. Guess which one I am? I have to say, being the latter has saved me money, because I simply won't buy something if it's the wrong color. But given that my color, indigo, is discontinued, I have to have some flexibility. I have bought a few pieces in cobalt, and I even have a roasting pan and two mini baking dishes in soleil, but I'm very partial to dark vibrant blues. So when I walked in and saw the newly discontinued electric blue - nirvana! Not only was the color close enough, but they had all of the pieces I was "missing" from my collection (including the frying pans, which I still couldn't justify.)

I inquired about the 4.25 quart soup pot, but that's discontinued and only available from Amazon. They had the 5 quart risotto pot, which I would have liked, but it was only in cherry. That left me to choose between the round and the oval. One can fit roasts into the oval; I prefer them.

This is the saucier and the 5 quart oval in electric blue.

This is the 3.5 quart oval in indigo, as compared to the 5 quart in electric blue.

With and without flash: 1.25 quart saucepan in cobalt; ovals in indigo & electric blue.

It's really rather silly that I try to match my pots so. When I renovated the kitchen, the installation of the dishwasher left no room for under-cabinet storage so my pots are stored way above the sight-line. You can't tell which are indigo, electric blue, or cobalt.

(Yes, it is a pain to have to climb up and pull those pots down every time I want to cook something, but what is one to do? My kitchen is small.)

Of course, when I got home I noticed there was a 4.25 quart soup pot on clearance at Amazon Warehouse Deals, but I'm okay with my choices; I paid just about the same price for a bigger pot.

In a nod to my tendinitis (which, by this time, was flaring up royally) I also picked up a saddlebag sling. It's big enough to hold the basic crap I need on any given day, and it doesn't put any pressure on my wrist in taking it on & off. (Bloody thing cost more than the pots, though. I think it should count as a medical purchase.)

communication

2008-11-30T18:48:00.002-05:00

Quo Vadis Space 17

2008-11-30T12:57:00.011-05:00

While I generally use the red-covered Moleskines as my pocket calendar, I received a trial of the Quo Vadis Space 17, so I decided to give a quick test.

I had already purchased a yet-unused Quo Vadis Minister for next year's office calendar, so I was aware of the brand.

This is the general format of the book - time slots with room for notes on the opposite page. I like that format. The cover is a black synthetic material (I'm sure the scratches are from postal handling.)

There are yearly and monthly planners, in addition to the weekly format. The monthly planners range from October 2008 - December 2009. There are yearly planners for 2008, 2009, and a smaller one for 2010.

There's an integral address book, but there is also a tabbed, detachable address book.

The paper is a very smooth-textured, ecru/ivory color - easy on the eyes. But I understand that the Space 17 has thinner paper (55g) than the Minister (90g). So the big question is, how does it stand up to fountain pen ink?

Here are my November 2008 appointments transferred from my regular calendar. The inks I used were: Noodler's Ottoman Rose; Private Reserve black (fast dry); Private Reserve Grey Flannel; and J. Herbin Violet Pensee. As you can see, there's fairly obvious show through with all of the inks tested. (I wanted to try Bay State Blue, but there would be no point to it; I know the outcome.)

Normally I don't consider myself overly picky about the issue of see-through, but this does tend to bother me ... almost enough to consider using a pencil or a ball point pen with this diary. For comparison's sake, here are images from my current Moleskine. There is a bit of see-through, but it's not as noticible.

I get why the company has chosen to use lighter paper in its more compact notebooks, but still, I would prefer the heavier paper. The extra weight or thickness of the journal would not make a difference to me, while the show-through kind of annoys me. I might have used this over the Moleskine, were it not for that. (I also really like the Moleskine stickers and the back pocket.)

Another pet-peeve is the thumb cut-outs extend through pages that are not date sensitive (such as Weights & Measures and Holidays, though not the Address Book.) Accidental removal of these perforated tabs would also remove data.

Given the address capacity, I think I'll use this as an extra diary to track correspondence. I have quite a number of pen pals and it might be interesting to track the frequency of our exchanges throughout the year.

my normal means of communication

2008-11-23T20:06:00.006-05:00

Oops, I believe that was a #1 nib on this pen.

What's cooking?

2008-11-23T12:34:00.006-05:00

I finally got a digital camera, but I really don't have anything to photograph. So here's the ingredients for all of the dishes I've cooked this weekend.

Sweet Potato & Butternut Squash Soup

I doctored it up with a bit of curry & just a touch of muscovado sugar

(should've used flash.)

Cream of Celeriac and Spinach soup

There's actually no cream in this - it comes out to a whopping 80 calories per serving as pictured.

Chicken Pot Pie (crust not pictured)

One thing about being in a CSA, is you have to cook. And you have to be creative in figuring out what to do with all of the vegetables you get in every season.

#44

2008-11-05T11:57:00.002-05:00

Well, Barack Obama was resoundingly elected into office. Woo hoo.

I'm glad the whole election is over. I couldn't stand it any more. I took off from work from October 29-November 4 and declared a media blackout. I didn't watch any of the election. In fact, I didn't know the results until 6 a.m. this morning, when I heard (from The Weather Channel) that "Chicago is celebrating the first President-Elect representing the State of Illinois."

He's got a hard row to hoe. I don't envy his position. And he'll get blamed for EVERYTHING! But I'm glad to see him get elected. I understand that many other nations are jubilant as well. I hear they were dancing in the street wearing Obama t-shirts, even in the small towns of Italy. (I don't even have an Obama t-shirt.)

For me, it'll be weird because I may actually start following government. I couldn't stand to hear anything that came out of the mouth of #43. I look forward to the first "fireside chat."

infrequently updated

2008-11-02T10:23:00.002-05:00

I haven't screamed into the ether for a while now. Well, that's not entirely true. I have over 40 pen pals; now when I scream into the ether, someone in the ether screams back. That's kind of neat. I enjoy getting snail mail.

I've also been journaling more. One thing about accumulating fountain pens, you want to use them. So, my disposable income has gone towards stationery, inks, and - of course - more pens.

I plan to get a camera in the not-too-distant future. Hopefully, I'll have more to share on this site.

Should I stay or should I go?

2008-03-02T11:34:00.002-05:00

These blogs of mine have been my mind recently. I can't decide whether to continue maintaining them or delete them. This one is particularly difficult, because most of the entries are painful memories.

Well, let me list how life has changed.

I got snookered into a weight loss study, and have since lost 50 pounds by staying at 1500 calories per day.
I don't ride my bike so much - only because I have a bad flat and need a tuneup - instead, I've been running, usually about 15K a week.
I'm playing volleyball more.
I've gutted and renovated my kitchen. Its being nice is slowly inspiring me to gussy up other parts of my house.
Instead of blogging, I've been journaling; I have 3-5 journals in my purse at any given time. And lately, instead of journaling, I've been writing real letters, to actual people. I'm in about a half-dozen snail-mail, pen pal exchanges, and I do postcrossing.

On the other hand, I still haven't found anyone suitable to date, so instead I've just been obsessing on inappropriate crushes.

I just read this whole blog again; I'll let it stay. It's my life, warts & all.

"Life is pain (...) anyone who says differently is selling something." -The Princess Bride.

... but I would have named him Jemaine

2007-07-23T11:24:00.000-04:00

This little dickens tried to adopt me as I was riding my bike along the bay this weekend. Needless to say, I couldn't bring him home on my bike, and he wasn't there the next day. Maybe he found a good home. He seemed to be about 9 months and definitely a former pet. He probably got too big or too rough (he play-bites hard) or started spraying, and they dumped him. I hope he's okay. I'm not really ready for a new one.

My Mo

2007-07-21T15:01:00.000-04:00

I never went into the whole Mojo issue, but my cat died last April because of that bullshit with the tainted pet food from China. (Click on the little text balloon on the lower left of the slideshow to view subtitles.)

I was reimbursed for the cost of my vet care, but still. The whole thing was pointless and painful and unnecessary. I'm still bitter. I don't buy products from China whenever I can avoid it.

Business Time

2007-07-17T10:42:00.001-04:00

I usually wake up with a song in my head, and I end up singing it all morning.

This was my song today:

I calls 'em as I sees 'em

2007-06-14T21:12:00.000-04:00

To the anonymous commenter - when they stop behaving like boys, I'll stop referring to them as such. Trust me, I know the difference.

"Child-free by choice" does not simply apply to my thoughts on procreation.

well, that's over ... I think

2007-05-15T16:48:00.000-04:00

Still without a boyfriend here.

The last guy I mentioned, we were a non-committed item for the better part of the year, but there were issues so I broke it off . . . but I don't think it took. He seems to ask me out more now than before. That's not particularly a problem; it's not that I didn't like the guy, I just didn't like our interaction.

My fear is that he's trying to change in order to be more of what he thinks I want. That's really not the issue. I don't want him to change, but who he is, is not who I want. I honestly just want to hang out with him as friends, and he doesn't have to change who he is to be my friend.

Right again

2006-10-09T14:04:00.000-04:00

I, sadly, wasn't wrong.

Boys are weird. I seriously can't figure them out. No matter what I do ... or don't do ... it's never enough. If I want to have casual sex, they want a relationship; if I want a relationship, they want casual sex. If I'm open to either, they're unavailable. If I'm unavailable, they're looking for me.

I think the problem in this case is that we're attracted to each other's illusions. He's spent most of the last few years being "boyfriend" - my default tends to be "libertine." I'm looking for a boyfriend, he's looking for a mistress. I have no desire to be a mistress, anymore than he does to be a "boyfriend." But these are the roles we convey, regardless of what we might be saying.

According to the comments from the peanut gallery, I should have given up on him a while ago. It's not that he isn't a good guy - everyone seems to like him - but it doesn't seem to be working out. If the timing's off, just let it go; it wasn't meant to be.

I wish I could. These dalliances come few and far enough between that I'm not willing to abandon one so easily.

There is really no reason for this to be so hard.

Boys

2006-08-20T15:26:00.000-04:00

Most of the time, I just want to throw rocks at them. But sometimes, I find them terribly distracting. The problem is, I am ill-equipped to deal with them in any rational manner. I have no "normal" relationship experience. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I want to call, but I don't know if I should; is he supposed to call me? How often are we supposed to go out? I think it's safe/neutral to say that we've been "dating;" when does it become a "relationship?" How do you know?

I don't want to misstep.

Tired

2006-08-17T11:46:00.000-04:00

I've been hanging out way more than I usually do. I meant to have a quick beer on Tuesday, but got caught up in the Lush List again.

Then I went out to an advanced screening last night, and am supposed to attend another tonight. I'm kinda tired. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to go, I'm sure I'll enjoy myself, but it's hard to get this homebody out of the shell. I'm out of practice of staying up late since I'm between volleyball seasons.

I'm looking forward to sleeping a LOT this weekend.

I don't understand what's going on.

2006-08-08T18:35:00.000-04:00

I don't understand boys.

It seems I've had more misstarts with relationships this summer, than any other summer I can remember. I wouldn't let it bother me, just count it as business as usual in my warped little existence, except the last guy asked me what I wanted - challenged me to dispel my confusion. So I did. I looked inside, past my defenses, and discovered what I think I would like out of a relationship.

So now that I know, where has he gone?

"But I cannot simply do nothing, pretend that everything is normal, that it's just a stage, a phase of my life. I want to forget it, I need to love -- that's all, I need to love.

Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it badly."

--Paulo Coelho

Not worth the bandwidth.

2006-07-28T16:55:00.000-04:00

I wrote a long (3 pgs printed) post about boys and dating this morning, but I just deleted it.

I've been listening to She's Got Issues, by The Offspring, and I should probably just quit my bitching. The only drama is in my head.

But I can tell you, I'm feeling very Don't Let's Start today.

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

I apparently missed a big storm.

2006-07-24T10:44:00.000-04:00

The top of a tree fell off across the street.

And this was 2 blocks away - that's simply a branch that fell off of a still-standing tree

Note the temporary license sticker on the NEW SUV it crushed

Journaling

2006-07-18T12:17:00.000-04:00

Ah, dear readers, this blog has been replaced by a newfound fascination for Moleskines. I've been buying fountain pens and notebooks and writing copiously. I like the generic quality of the Moleskine. I want to have thousands of them over the course of my life, indistinguishable except for their content. (Yes, I got the idea from Kevin Spacey's character in Se7en; no, it doesn't make me psychotic.) They'll only be read when I die alone in my apartment, as an old woman, and my cats eat me for sustenance and the neighbors call 911 because of the smell. (Okay, that statement might qualify me as being psychotic.) My cohorts and I have also been buying Rotring Core pens (discontinued - get them while you can) like crazy.

Actually, part of my reason for not posting for so long was that I hoped the guy in the previous post would read it; that's why I kept it on top. I know he has this URL and has looked at my blog before, quite inadvertently. But perhaps that's too subtle. I haven't seen him since, although he just wrote and wants to get a beer next month.

In a way, this blog is like some of my journals. When I reread it, it's rather depressing so it's hard for me to generate new posts, once I realize how sad I've been this past year. It makes you wonder if it's changed? Will it change?

Life doesn't seem to get any easier. In fact the brief, light respites seem to come increasingly few and far between. You can take that however you want, but I'd rather view it in the light of the song which happens to be playing as I write this:

Death is everywhere.
There are flies on the windscreen, for a start.
Reminding us we could be torn apart, tonight.

Death is everywhere.
There are lambs for the slaughter, waiting to die.
And I can sense the hours slipping by, tonight.

Come here.
Kiss me.
Now.

Death is everywhere.
The more I look, the more I see.
The more I feel a sense of urgency, tonight.

Come here. (touch me)
Kiss me. (touch me)
Now. (touch me)

Fly on the Windscreen - Depeche Mode

(I don't usually pay attention to what's playing on the party shuffle, but it seemed to fit my mood on the matter.)

I made the Lush List

2006-07-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

What we have here is a failure to communicate . . .

2006-06-04T23:40:00.000-04:00

Just went out on a date.

When did I become "the guy?"

I think I was very open and clear about my intentions, both in writing beforehand and with my proxemics, (if not my words) during the evening. We went back to his place (at my request) . . . and we watched TV (the History Channel, yet) for an hour and a half. I shaved my legs for this?!? At one point, I actually sat on the floor in front of the TV, and looked him dead in the face, like: "WTF are you doing?"

I was about a minute from taking off my shirt and being like, "Dude - Ravage me!" But we're all adults and so I have to assume he knows what he's doing. Perhaps he no longer finds me attractive? If he doesn't want to fool around, I won't force him, and I certainly have no intention of begging.

To add insult to injury, I dozed off for like 5 minutes, until my phone alarmed, and when I woke up, he was like - you were snoring a little. Thanks, Chief - now I'm annoyed and self-conscious.

I'm rather peeved; I was looking forward to this for some time, and I needed the distraction. Needless to say, last time we saw each other, things progressed differently. Based on past experience, it was not unreasonable for me to expect more than a kiss on the cheek. In fact, it was the premise for seeing each other again. I specifically referred to the aftermath of the last date and said I wanted to repeat it. Feh!

I thanked him for the date in person, I thanked him for the date in writing . . . elég! Basta! Genüg! Már nem akarok rá gondolni.

Ask a Black Person!

2006-05-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

Q: Do black people tan?

A:

This is the contrast between my forearm and my stomach. And I haven't even gone to the beach yet. This is just from gardening/jogging/biking.

Neil Gaiman quote

2006-05-23T15:21:00.000-04:00

This really resonated with me this morning. It's from an anthology called Mojo:

In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the face and lips and mouth and head, so on the surface, I just shrugged and smiled and kept moving. If I could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life as easily as walking through a door, I would have. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence.

Yeah ....

And to top it all off . . .

2006-05-18T13:15:00.000-04:00

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE!

After all of these years, all that we've been through, all that we've done, you couldn't even extend this simple courtesy!?!?

There was no reason for it all to end this way.

Heavy lifting.

2006-05-12T21:47:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to keep my spirits up, but it's hard to do in a vacuum.

There were/are things that made me happy in the past couple of weeks, but without consistent reinforcement, they're forgotten in lieu of the things that make me unhappy.

I want to be happy, but I'm not sure that the things I was happy about are valid. (Whereas, the things about which I'm unhappy are as big and as real as life.)

I just don't know what to think about anything or anyone anymore.

Beer Prom!

2006-05-01T15:00:00.001-04:00

Brooklyn Brewery had a beer prom this weekend. I think it's a great idea. For married couples, it's unlikely that you went to the prom in HS with your current husband - for singles, it's fun just for the cheese factor. I, naturally, fall into the latter category.

I think a lot of people appreciated the cheese factor. As you can see from the picture, there was no shortage of legwarmers, and cheesy formalwear. (note the red tux)

Since it wasn't the "real" prom, I had fewer qualms about asking a boy to go with me. I asked someone I met at a beer dinner mumble mumble years ago. He was game so we bought tickets and met up. I thought about doing the whole boutonniere/corsage thing, but I simply didn't have time. However, he thought ahead and brought me a small bouquet of flowers (irises & lilacs - blue to go with my dress.) That was very sweet.

I had a good time. It was fun. We were at the upper end of the age spectrum, but the people at our table were very friendly. (Although, at times, I kinda felt more like the faculty at the prom.) There was a raffle for prize packages with "yearbook" themes - Most Popular, Most Likely to Succeed, etc. I don't remember them all, but I was gunning for Class Slut: $250 value, toys from Toys in Babeland, tickets to some theatre and other related items.

What I think is neat, is that they really captured a "prom" feel. People dragged out the old bridesmaid dresses and whatnot. There were bowls of spiked punch. Granted, there wasn't all-you-can-drink beer at any of my proms in HS, but it didn't hurt the atmosphere any.

I know what you're thinking and, no, I didn't get laid in the back of the limo. First of all, there was no limo... But I did stay up almost until dawn; got home at 9:30 a.m. the next day.

It was a welcome respite from my usual bitching and moaning.

Just under the wire

2006-04-27T12:26:00.000-04:00

I should mention he made it in, 3 days before the deadline. It's a Pyrrhic victory though. It just means he was a shit for 16 days. Not to mention after.

It's time for a confrontation.

unmitigated gall

2006-04-25T16:13:00.000-04:00

This is so hard - the disintegration of a friendship. I'd be deceiving myself to call it anything else. I've been making all possible allowances: new relationships are consuming - fine, I'll give you space; classes require attention - that should be a priority, I'll give you space; last opportunity to hang out with some of your friends - cool enjoy it while you can.

But when it gets to the point where complete strangers show more consideration for me... where your disdain is palpable ... visible and questioned by others around - I will not tolerate this any longer!

Twenty Days

2006-04-11T09:20:00.000-04:00

I've allotted 20 days for something to change. I think that's a generous about of time. I will be looking for any gesture of individualized consideration, sensitivity, hell, friendship extended toward me during that time.

If there is nothing, then it's over.

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.

You want to know why I hate you, well I'll try and explain...

2006-04-10T18:56:00.000-04:00

I am so fucking burned out.

Every time I think I've hit bottom and can't hurt any more, can't cry any more, I manage to get hurt more, to dredge up new tears.

I thought I was done. There were things that hurt, but I couldn't find the tears. I must be particularly well-hydrated today.

I give up.

I give up!

I offer nothing more of myself. The store is closed. You got what you got when it was good for the getting, but now it's gone. I have no more to give -- to you anyway.

Amazing the abuse, the entitlement.

I've never asked anything of you, but I don't think I was wrong to expect common courtesy, the consideration that one human should have to any other. Would it be too much to ask for a little politeness? Should I have even needed to ask?

I've gone from just hating, to hating you. My hate doesn't usually have (or need) an object. But I feel it's quite focused now. You're my buzzkill; you ruin my day. I almost made it through the day today. I was thinking about the things I should be thinking about. I was optimistic about my future.

Then you.

You did exactly the same thing that hurt me the first time, in exactly the same way , despite the fact that we had spoken about it at great length, and I told you how it hurt me, and I forgave you!

Unfuckingbelievable.

I'm at a loss.

I've never had pessimism about our friendship, although, recently I've had questions. At this point, I'm willing to let it go, cut my losses, chalk it up to experience.

This will never happen again. No one else will get this much of me.

This is why I hate you,
And how I understand,
No one ever knows or loves another.

(with apologies to The Cure)

Nothing Ever Changes

2006-04-10T17:23:00.000-04:00

For all of my complaints, for all of my misgivings, for all of the offense I've felt and the hurt I've borne, despite all the conversations I've had and the explanations I've given, despite how much of my soul I've bared and the consideration I've requested ... when put into the same situation, with the same people, the same behavior occurs.

From Left Field

2006-04-06T20:11:00.000-04:00

I should mention, I received an unsolicited message from an old friend, one who doesn't read this blog, (well - he might now, since I gave him the address ... hi there!) basically saying that he was glad that we still communicate, and wishing me well.

That doesn't happen very often so I thought it was worth noting. Especially since my blog is normally filled with my complaints about being unappreciated. And I particularly welcomed the sentiment because it was not elicited by anything I'd said. He didn't know I'd been in a funk for the past few weeks ... months.

People don't say these things anymore, and they really should. I think I stopped saying such things right about the time I started to need to hear them. I don't know what it is -- in HS, my friends and I would say "I love you" to each other all of the time: never in the dating sense, just in the friend sense. I only have one remaining female friend who ever says it to me. And, of course, I only say it back to the people who have said it to me. That's not to say I don't have other friends whom I love; in fact I do. I can't imagine saying it to them though ... there's a rejection factor, a misinterpretation factor. It's difficult. It's scary.

In HS, we said it so often, it felt less loaded. Even when it was loaded, and said in a romantic sense, we would make light of its weightiness. My HS ex and I used to sign our letters "Love and Kisses, Pain and Anguish." I really love(d?) him. In fact, a dozen years after graduation, we very briefly rekindled ... something. He was the last person to openly and regularly tell me he loved me (in the fullest sense of the word).

And he was certainly the last person I believed.

Wait a minute - this was supposed to be a positive post. How'd I end up cynical again?

What do I get?

2006-04-03T19:34:00.000-04:00

My mind was wandering, and captured a fragment of a lyric reminding me of a song which happens to be exactly how I feel right now. Funny how that works - I haven't listened to the Buzzcocks in ages.

The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

2006-04-03T12:41:00.000-04:00

I was watching a movie the other night, and over the credits, they played Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen), which I haven't heard in ages. I was trying to think, as it's just about 10 years from the time referenced in the song, how true or untrue the statements were.

For the most part they're pretty true, in a general sense. But this particular one resonates with me at the moment:

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

The hard part is determining which are the friends you should hold onto, and which you should let go. It really shouldn't be all that hard, I guess, but sometimes you develop sentiments for the wrong ones.

Is that wasted energy? I try to appreciate these things for the journey, not the destination ... but I do feel a bit sapped. Too much going out and not enough return.

I can't help how I feel.

Animal quiz

2006-04-02T11:10:00.000-04:00

What Is Your Animal Personality?

Badger
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Oh, grow up!

2006-04-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

New job.

I have a lot of work to do, and a lot more responsibility. Not all of the things that I have to do have even been explained to me - I'm constantly waiting for the unexpected catastrophe.

And aside from all this, the office tenor is ... inappropriate. So now I have to be "boss lady" and crack down on the offender(s). It doesn't matter to me, personally, but it's not correct office behavior, and they should know better. It undermines my authority to let it continue. It affects others in the office and they're not able to complete their assigned tasks. There is also the potential that others are made uncomfortable by this behavior, and are afraid to complain.

Part of me wants to let it go - the situation will resolve itself in 5 weeks; the offender(s) will work elsewhere. But that's not the right thing to do.

I've got to be able to get this off of my mind so I can focus on the work I need to be doing.

Why do I have to be the adult all of the time?

i hurt.

2006-03-23T12:50:00.000-05:00

God, this is all driving me nuts. I've hit the wall; I have no more to give. Does it even matter?

Been crying for like 2 days now. Who the fuck cares? If it goes into next week, will have to consider medicating. Hate to do that.

I need a fucking break.

I need a cigarette. I'd really like to take up smoking, if only to have an excuse for walking outside and standing by myself every couple of hours. It would also make people want to stay away. If they're not near, they can't hurt me.

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
For how much longer
Can I cry like this?

A thousand wasted hours a day
Just to feel my heart for a second
A thousand hours just thrown away
Just to feel my heart for a second

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
A Thousand Hours - the Cure.

What's the point of a blizzard ...

2006-02-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

... if you have to go to work the next day?

I'm sure the city is just patting its back that it got rid of 26.9" of snow in 12 hours without disrupting the morning rush. But why? Part of the fun in watching snow totals climb was that you knew if it were over 12", school would close. You could go out and shovel, confident that you'd have that extra day to nurse sore muscles over hot toddies at home. The fact that work/school is open just sucks. I didn't even have time to finish shovelling. (One can only move so much snow by oneself in one shot.) Now any remaining snow will be all heavy and frozen by the time I get home.

And the city wants homeowners to have cleared their walks within 4 hours of the ending of snowall. Bite me; I've got to work

I hate boys!

2006-01-24T23:12:00.000-05:00

Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.
Hate boys.

Drink tripel. See double. Act single.

I'm not dead yet ...

2006-01-23T17:56:00.000-05:00

November?!? I haven't written since November?

Well, I've been busy.

I have a new job, the first week of which I spent as sick as a dog (laryngitis, bacterial conjunctivits, and probably bronchitis) and my old job still wants me to consult for a while.

I think I'll like the new job once I get into the swing of things. Everything is new and very different, and I don't yet know my way around. Being under the weather does not help at all. I'm in as much as I can be, but what's the use if I'm foggy? I think I'll have it down in a year. I think...

Auggh!

I hate having cooties. This chest congestion wants to break up but it's just not doing so yet. So I have a really virulent sounding, but non-productive cough. Yes -- I'm taking everything under the sun - Zicam, Mucinex, vitamins, Nyquil, Theraflu, Alka-Seltzer Cold. I made Black Chicken soup. I've got prescription drops for my eye. I use separate tissues on each eye so as not so spread the bacteria between them. I just want to be better. I hate going to bed early only to be awoken an hour later coughing. I don't even remember waking up; I just know that I'm coughing. I don't cough until the evening, but then I cough enough to lose my voice the next day.

I wouldn't mind being sick if I could stay home, but I can't. There's too much going on at work. And I'm too new to be comfortable leaving it.

It's a Faith No More Day

2005-11-29T11:11:00.000-05:00

I'm stuck in limbo, somewhere between From Out of Nowhere (a great crush song) and Falling to Pieces ("You see I'm somewhere in between my love and my agony; my life is falling to pieces. Somebody put me together.")

Probably my all-time favorite song by them is RV, although it's not how I'm feeling today.

umm, still here.

2005-11-27T16:41:00.000-05:00

I thought I might post, since I've gotten more than one message regarding my absence.

It's the busy season in Event land. I've had an event every week, with the last & biggest on Monday. It culminated with a dinner at Per Se. The dinner was lovely & delicious & expensive, and I promptly puked it up 3 hours later. Although they check each diner's allergies in advance, apparently I'm allergic to something which I've never before had. (I hope it wasn't the hen of the woods mushrooms; they were scrumptious.)

Speaking of distasteful occurrences that night, one of my bosses asked me, at this formal dinner, from across a table of 9, if I were sleeping with my assistant. FOR THE RECORD: I am NOT!!! I just want to make that clear. I think he sort of asked in jest - I would have taken it more seriously had he asked me in private. (When I told him it was more of a maternal feeling that I had for my assistant, he asked if I were breastfeeding him, which got a laugh out of the rest of the table.) I hate office gossip - especially when it's false (and when it's about me.)

On top of which I've still been continuing with my Red Cross classes, and volleyball, and admissions interviews . . . I've been occupied

As for everything else, things are still up in the air. I owe about a dozen people e-mails, simply because I don't yet have anything to say. I have no idea what's going on or where I'll be next year. But at least I have the safety net of being employed somewhere. It was the potential for unemployment that was really freaking me out.

I think some people have been worried about my being suicidal. I'm really too apathetic to kill myself. That Smiths' lyric really sums it up.

And when I'm lying in my bed,
I think about life and I think about death,
And neither one particularly appeals to me.

That's about all there is to it. I'm not enamored enough about either condition to act upon it either way. So don't worry. Yeah, I talk about death a lot. Other times I talk about sex obessively, and I don't do that either. (Which is why my other blog is SOOOO boring.)

Brand new day

2005-11-10T18:36:00.000-05:00

Am I better?
Dunno ...

Things are beginning to show more promise, but all of my balls, or eggs as the case may be, are in the air; I don't know which will come down first. My job has been salvaged for another year, but I have my ear to the ground for two other positions in my preferred occupation. And, some of the things I applied for, when I was desperately seeking employment, are coming to fruition.

So now I just don't know what to do.

But at least I'm not as sad.

My libido came back. That's probably not a good thing. Talk about screaming into the ether...

I still long for a kiss sometimes, even today. Not one stolen between two doorways, hurried and clumsy, but slowly and peacefully given and received. A kiss on the mouth. A kiss on the hand. A bit of ankle, a detail of the temple, a perfume, an eyelid, a languid happiness, an eternity. - The Almond, Nedjma

Seems pointless to wish for that which you can't have. Hold your wishes in one hand and your shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Good for what ails ye.

2005-10-27T12:32:00.000-04:00

Moules a L'ardennaise, pommes frites, & Duvel at Café de Bruxelles.

I was a little bit better yesterday, a little more focused, (or distracted, depending on how you look at it,) so I went out for dinner last night. I'd been meaning to try this place for a while. It's nice. Cozy. You get a lot of mussels. I was already half way into it when I thought to take the picture; you can see the bowl full of shells off to the right.

I was better yesterday - I had a renewed sense of purpose. But it's so fragile. I was back in tears today. I just need to be elsewhere for a while.

Faux pas # 9842-b

2005-10-25T12:45:00.000-04:00

Apparently, when you mention that you've had a biopsy, and the other person asks when you will get the results, "I don't care." is not an appropriate answer. It gives the other person pause.

But I don't care. I probably won't even remember to call.

Biopsy . . . fun fun fun!

2005-10-24T17:23:00.000-04:00

Nah - I don't want to talk about it.

But things may or may not be lightening up on other fronts. Don't get me wrong, things still shit, but for the first time in weeks, I feel less like I've had the rug pulled out from under me.

Of course, this could be my last remaining vestige of optimism, setting me up for a fall.

Amazing where you find your friends.

2005-10-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

Through all this drama, it's interesting to see who are the people who support me:

There's a caterer I use, who spent 45 minutes on the phone today, listening to me cry.

My family, of course, whom I spare most of the drama.

And you - out there in the ether - with your words of encouragement, though we've never met.

It is appreciated.

Drink tripel. See double. Act single.

it's over . . . oops, not quite yet

2005-10-18T13:05:00.000-04:00

I was so much better this morning, I was cheery & singing, and then more shit happened. I'm so exhausted. I don't know how much more I can stand. Then again, I don't really have a choice, do I?

What had cheered me up today was realizing something about myself. I had been looking for an innocent escape; one day's respite, where I didn't have to think of my problems and could just enjoy being out and about with a friend. And when it didn't turn out well - by no one's fault - it crushed me. My house of cards - all of the various things that were bothering me, but I had been holding at arm's length - collapsed.

My mistake was seeking that sort of happiness. It leaves me too open. I'm much more protected reveling in my cynicism. I'm never disappointed by anticipating the foibles of people. They amuse me. I had gotten pissed off at some annoying & presumptuous people last night, and my anger really recharged me. Apparently that's my joie de vivre. I'm not a pastel, I'm a jewel-tone. Keep your rózsaszínű and give me vörös. I'm just wired that way. And I'm only unhappy when I try to be otherwise.

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn’t accidentally tell you that
I’m only happy when it rains

I think I may have found my new theme song.

I shouldn't try to change that black, smoldering ember that passes for my heart. It's the only thing keeping me warm.

But it is necessary to the happiness of man, that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe. -- The Age of Reason, Thomas Paine.

on being alone

2005-10-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

If I have to be alone, I prefer to do it by myself. I hate it when other people are there and just kind of blowing me off.

I can think of so many times when I was miserable and lonely, but only because I knew there were people who could/should have been there, but weren't. (Or who were there, but not really there.) If I were absolutely on my own, I would have felt better about it. I wouldn't have worried about them. I wouldn't have been concerned about the nature of our interaction , or the lack thereof.

I need to start hanging out by myself again.

better living through chemistry . . . not

2005-10-17T14:29:00.000-04:00

You're probably thinking: You know what's wrong with you, so why don'tcha kwitcher bitchin' and go get some meds?

No.

I've taken meds before, and they've worked. But they're a crutch. Sometimes you hurt yourself in a manner that needs a crutch to heal, and sometimes you're better off without it. You're stonger for healing without it.

It would be one thing if I were all gloomy for no reason. But shit is going wrong in my life. Lotsa shit. Big shit. Important shit. And I have no control over any of it. And there's nothing I can do to make it better. I just have to tough it out. This is not a "crutch" situation. Being numb won't change anything.

The most important thing meds ever do for me is to remind me of what it's like not to hurt. I haven't yet lost sight of what it feels like not to hurt, I just can't make myself stop hurting at the moment.

Plus, the upside of being ignored & alone is that I have all the time in the world to get over it at my own pace. If I were inconsequential before, that certainly isn't going to change now.

self-pity playlist

2005-10-17T11:40:00.000-04:00

What I listen to when I'm sulking:

Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers
Big Deal, The Dead Milkmen "Life sucks, and then you die."
But Not For Me, Harry Connick, Jr.
Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd
Creep, Radiohead
Drown In My Own Tears, Ray Charles
I Hate Myself , The Dead Milkmen
Left of Center, Suzanne Vega
Life Is Shit, The Dead Milkmen
Loser, Beck
Losing My Religion, R.E.M. "try, cry, why try?"
Luka, Suzanne Vega "Just don't ask me how I am."
Mad World, Tears For Fears "I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad; the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
Midlife Crisis, Faith No More
My Man's Gone Now, Nina Simone "Old man sorrow's come to keep me company"
Never Had No One Ever, The Smiths
Nowhere Fast, The Smiths "And when I'm lying in my bed, I think about life and I think about death, and neither one particularly appeals to me."
Only Happy When It Rains, Garbage
Remember The Tinman, Tracy Chapman "Who hurt your heart; bruised it in a place no one or nothing can heal?"
RV, Faith No More "A drink needs me. I don't. I ain't about to guzzle no tears, so kiss my ass."

A friend of mine has a "theme song:" hers is "Catch" by the Cure. I've been thinking about this all summer, but I don't know what my theme song would be. I have about 5 on the short list, but they're all so depressing (in no particular order):

Give Me One Reason, Tracy Chapman
Left of Center, Suzanne Vega
Losing My Religion, R.E.M.
Charlotte Sometimes, The Cure
Mad World (Alternate Version), Michael Andrews Feat. Gary Jules

Usually "Give Me One Reason" is the clear forerunner, but today, I'm so very "Charlotte Sometimes." I don't just want to pick a song from the same band as my friend's.

Maybe my song just hasn't been written yet.

retarded cat

2005-10-16T18:03:00.000-04:00

Once, I saw a show on assistance animals, where they now have dogs trained to help with depression. Basically, they're trained not to let you sulk. If they see you slipping, they demand attention, they demand to play. In some small way, they give you a purpose.

I, however, have a cat (useless creature that he is.)

I'm sure he's not doing it on purpose, but he is being retarded; attacking area rugs - running from nothing. It's hard to cry in the face of such idiocy.

I really needed to have a pleasant diversion on Friday; I'd taken a day off, but it didn't pan put. And I literally don't have the resources to try again. Not now anyway.

I don't even know what would make me happy. It was gorgeous out today - I love sunny blustery days, but it was wasted on me. I meant to go running - even got up, got dressed, and got out. But by the time I'd reached the bottom of the hill, I just wanted to go all fetal. I couldn't imagine running, and by a block later I was crying again. So I just walked around for a couple miles. Picked up a black walnut to plant at home and some crabapples (or crapapples, as I've always called them.) I didn't bring my camera, but I saw a squirrel that lives in a freestanding post in the bay. It has to jump across water each time. It fussed at me for a while because I was in the way of its leap. I saw a huge grasshopper. I don't recall the last time I'd seen one so close to Manhattan. All the kittens born at the bay this summer are so big now. The black one seems to have buddied up with an older male. I couldn't figure out why, but then I called out to them, the male turned; he only has one eye. I'm sure he tolerates the kitten as an early warning system. I didn't see any of the black-capped night herons, but they're usually out earlier.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but there's no one to cover. To add insult to injury, it'll be a minimum of a 14 hour day.

Oh well, I'd better go make guacamole lest the avocados go to waste.

The Puking Song

2005-10-15T11:12:00.000-04:00

As the savvier of you may have noticed, I'm depressed. It's been creeping up for a while, but it's pretty full blown now.

I feel so unappreciated. It pretty much takes all of my willpower to cowboy up, put on my game face, and put forth the effort, and for what? Who really cares? I don't know why I do it. Because I'm supposed to? Because it's right?

The Golden Rule has no meaning these days. How can you do unto others as you would have done unto you, when others perceive your kindness as being "deserved" on their part? They assume you're being nice to them because they're "more special" and it's somehow warranted. There is never any thought of reciprocation. I understand that there is no implied quid pro quo in the Golden Rule, but it also doesn't work if only a select few adhere to it.

I feel burned out and taken for granted.

For some inexplicable reason I nearly vomited in my sleep last night. I don't know why; I wasn't drunk - I've developed an aversion to alcohol lately, I don't have a fever, I didn't eat anything queer. But at some point last night I turned over onto my stomach and vomit flooded the back of my throat. Out of reflex, I woke up and choked it back. I didn't really think much about it, except that it was weird. When I woke up this morning, I remembered, and realized I could have choked to death last night. My second thought was that I should have. I can help but feel like I've missed an opportunity.

Sharp Shit Sherlock.

2005-10-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

Depression Hurts.

That was the first thing I saw when I woke up this monring. Well, I was already awake, but when I summoned enough energy to turn on the tv (at least another hour before uncurling from my fetal position and getting out of bed.)

Thank you Lilly - thank you for reminding us all what we already know, and tugging on our little heartsrings just as we're trying to pull it together for the day. (It was the Weimaraner with the ball that set me off.) Thank you for reinforcing that being depressed is a bummer for all of your friends too; how long do you think they're going to hang around waiting for you to get your act together and entertain them again?

Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.

fiber hug

2005-10-12T14:39:00.000-04:00

There is nothing better than a bright poppy-red cashmere sweater on a cold, rainy day.

Blister debate.

2005-10-10T14:27:00.000-04:00

Well, it is my opinion that blisters heal better if you don't pop them. I took several photos over the weekend:

Friday

Saturday

Sun.

It looks pretty gross now. The skin is cracking and peeling off of the bigger one. But at least it stayed on longer to give it extra protection.

And since Mojo snuck into the first picture, I'll include a couple of his weekend antics.

Hiding in the laundry bag

Being bad

I Did it for Science*

2005-10-05T11:51:00.000-04:00

Okay - as suggested in the comments, I used this opportunity to see whether popped blisters heal faster than intact ones.

Since my sweaty volleyball game loosened my bandage, I removed it. As you can see, compared to the other day, the skin is quite black. It doesn't hurt anymore though.

I lanced the smaller blister with a clean needle, and covered the whole thing up with another hydrocolloidal bandage. (Apparently the basement workroom is the appropiate place for such activity.)

Unfortunately, I think the whole thing is moot, because the larger blister may have popped in my sleep. The cloudy halo that's formed under the bandage is probably exudate reacting with the gel.

Oh well. I tried.

* By the way, if you're not familiar with it, "I Did it for Science" is an occasionally amusing column over at Nerve.com

Through all the sleepless nights, through every endless day.

2005-10-04T13:39:00.000-04:00

My pet peeve this week is people with bad memories.

I'm not talking about those who can never remember where they put their keys, and the like. I mean people who get drunk and don't remember what happened, or those who simply forget.

Granted, I have a pretty good memory. And I should probably have more patience. But it so nullifies my existence to recall something of significance to me, and have the only other person who was present not remember. It's as if it never happened. So many of my good memories are not shared by the people who were there.

I was talking to an ex-bf once, about old stuff, and it was almost as if I were relating a story. He didn't remember any of it, and the memory was so important to me.

It's not just with good stuff; my friend picked a fight with me while she was drunk. It was really hurtful. I never realized that she resented me before. And she doesn't remember a damn thing. But it's not like I can just forget anything that was said.

Once my assistant did something rather uncharacteristic & silly. He didn't remember any of it, but I couldn't get it out of my head, so I wrote down exactly what happened, and made him read it about a week later. Just because he didn't remember things, doesn't mean he didn't do them. He told me I have "an overdeveloped sense of justice."

Why do I have to remember when nobody else does? It might as well be fiction.

If it only matters to me, does it matter?

Is interacting with me so unremarkable as to be not worth recall?

It must be so much easier to absolve yourself of responsibility & claim ignorance, but I don't seem to have that luxury. I imagine they sleep better at night.

Drab & colorless

2005-10-03T14:03:00.000-04:00

I've spent way too much money on clothes this week. I bought:

6 pairs of pants,
2 pairs of jeans,
3 skirts,
3 dresses,
1 sweater,
1 jacket,
1 pair socks,
some undies

I my logic is, if I'm going to have a new job, I'm probably going to have to dress like an adult (as opposed to wearing jeans all of the time like the researchers do.)

But, hanging things up, I realized, I probably should have bought some other colors than blue, black, grey, ecru, & purple.

Accident prone

2005-10-02T13:38:00.000-04:00

Y'know, I could post solely about my minor injuries, and I'd have plenty of entries for this blog.

I got splashed with overheated olive oil Saturday night:

Since then, the skin on the blisters has turned entirely black. I now have a hydrocolloidal bandage on it (natch) and am otherwise ignoring it for a week.

I've read the debates: pop the blisters/don't pop the blisters? I'm not popping them this time & I'll see what happens.

Update

2005-09-28T15:22:00.000-04:00

Since I know you've just been dying to know how my leg is doing, here's the promised photo of it healed.
Before
After

Amazing, the human body is.

It was actively oozing for more than 37 days; that's how deep it was. (It was bandaged for 37 days, then I let the remaining hole - the size of a pen point - scab over.) But I do love hydrocolloidal bandages!

I should point out that when I went to my doctor to get the stitches out, she said, "Oh, that's not going to heal well." And when she wiped the area with alcohol (OUCH!) the protective flap of skin fell off. The wound was still very deep, and there wasn't enough skin left to use butterfly tapes or steristrips. It was obvious, that if I did nothing, or used just a regular bandage, the area would have spread - the skin would have pulled open with the everyday movement of my thigh. So I thought about using Hydrocolloidal bandages. I had used them before when I scraped about an inch of skin off the back of my hand in a boating accident. (Do we see a pattern here?) The resulting scar is just a slight discoloration, with no change in skin texture.

My doctor hadn't really heard of hydrocolloidal bandages (nor had the emergency room!) but she agreed that they couldn't do any more damage than I'd already done. So I googled hydrocolloidal bandages too see if they would be appropropiate here. I figured leg ulcers would be the closest analogy to what I had, and they were recommended for that. Johnson & Johnson makes large (3" X 2.25") bandages, so I bought several boxes. So I basically changed the dressings a little more frequently than every week, and I'm happy with how the scar turned out.

I knew I would have a scar - no two ways about it. But if left alone, I'm sure it would have been dented, with fragile skin, etc. This has really filled in nicely, and it's barely noticeable through sheer stockings.

Oddly enough, it's still tender & bruised, though.

aww ... i still love you

2005-09-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

Immediately after I wrote that cranky post, I was adopted by a grocery store kitten. (No, it's not upside down, it's from my point of view.)

I hate the world

2005-09-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

My god, I just feel like pounding the crap out of someone. I could scream. Or better yet I would cause someone else to scream.

My stupid (insert medical professional) made me late for my stupid (insert medical professional). I made one appointment for 3:30 the other for 5. They're 14 blocks apart – that's a 15 min. walk, 10 min. run, 5 min. by cab. The 3:30 one didn't take me until 5:10. Mind you, I called at 10 am to confirm the appt., I arrived at 3:15, I offered to reschedule at 4:30,and I even got dressed and tried to leave at 5:05.

The only reason I waited so long to leave is because I'd been in contact with the other office who'd said they'd hold my appt. until 5:30. I called at 5:15, said I was in a cab 5 mins away. They put me on hold for 5 mins and told me to reschedule. I was already fucking there! The best part is all I need is a fucking prescription.

Needless to say, I will be switching to new doctors from both of them. They can make you wait hours, but their time is sacrosanct. FUCK THEM!

And to add insult to injury, now I have to rush to a volleyball game that they had told me was supposed to be tomorrow. Maybe I can hit someone in the head with my serve.

Still here

2005-09-20T10:10:00.000-04:00

Wow - I disappeared for a while there, and it seems the world has changed in my absence.

When I was younger, we always went out of the country for vacation. Usually we went to the Caribbean, but I also saw Moscow, Prague ... Once I started to have to pay for my vacations myself, I discovered domestic travel. New Orleans became my default destination. I've visited 4 times since 2000. I'm even crazy enough to go in the summer. I've been in January, March, May, & August.

And if I hadn't already booked tickets to Seattle at the end of August, I would have been there when the hurricane hit. While I was in Seattle, my family were discussing what I would have done if I'd been in New Orleans; would I have gotten stuck? (I find it amusing that they all implicitly understood that I still would have taken the trip, even with the threat of a hurricane looming. However, I would have evacuated while I could have. Probably early, as I would have had my mother on the phone harassing me about it daily.)

It pains me to see the destruction, but moreso the ineptitude in the following weeks (and preceding years). I'm not interested in pontificating about my opinions, as a middle-class black American, of this debacle ... let's just say I'm appalled, but I'm not surprised. Even those of us who have grown up in relative comfort/luxury, have long had the notion instilled that no one else has your interests at heart; be prepared to fend for yourself.

Would I have been prepared to fend for myself? It's totally unclear. Let me think. If the same thing were to happen here, how would I stand? Well, I have a car, so I could have packed up my family & left. But none of my siblings have cars, so I would have had to get them too. But if there were enough warning and evacuation notice, maybe they could have taken public transport and met up with me ... where? Needless to say, the cat would be with us.

Well, I have friends upstate, but they also have many friends in the city. Where would I rank on their list of appeals for space? We have good credit, so we could have spent the first few days in a hotel. But as for cash, I would have been strapped. It would have been right before a monthly paycheck.

If we didn't leave, we might be okay - if the house weren't destroyed. We're atop a hill, completely out of the flood plain, and we have a 3-story house. Even if the first floor flooded, there's an additional kitchen (ie: food storage) on the second floor. Not having power would suck, but water flow in NYC is gravity fed, so toilets would still flush.

It's a sobering contemplation.

Drink and be Merry!

2005-09-12T13:54:00.000-04:00

I know I've been gone awhile - didja miss me?

No?

Oh well.

Tonight will be a happy hour (an happy hour?) to raise funds for restaurant workers affected by Katrina. One can buy a New Orleans drink in a participating bar, and proceeds will go to the fund. It's all coordinated by the Museum of the American Cocktail.

Embibe!

Procrastination

2005-08-21T13:08:00.000-04:00

I have to look for a new job. I don't think this is anyone's favorite thing to do, and it's certainly not mine. But putting it off just reduces my opportunities.

Still . . . I think I'll clean my bedroom, kitchen, and wash the windows first.

CRS, aluminum

2005-08-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

I usually have something of relevance that I want to say on this blog; it's all worked out in my mind, but by the time I sit down to write, I can't remember what I was going to say, so I end up babbling.

There was a guy rummaging through the construction dumpster at the house next door. My mother suggested that I give him the old electrical pole out back, because the electricians just left it. I said: we have a pole? Is it aluminum? She thought it was. I ran out to check. She wanted to know what I was so excited about, but I didn't say. I'm already thinking about the holidays.

See, my family is Christian, and if I had to call myself anything, it would be a Deist (agnostic theist . . . whatever) - basically I don't believe in religion. And I try not to get into these conversations, because my belief system doesn't require anyone else's buy-in, whereas others feel the need to convince non-believers. I don't want to get into a rant about it here either. But I mention that to explain that I have collected my own set of holidays, aside from the religious ones, and one of those is Festivus.

So now you understand why I was excited at finding an aluminum pole.

Commence the Feats of Strength!